| another act of mistake. |
[Jan. 8th, 2007|08:41 am] |
Someone once told me, "...you should really just stop caring about everything like I did and let them happen, that way the onus is on happenstance and not on you and everything will be okay. I think it's natural that you base any decision, whether it pertains to relationships or not, on past precedents; otherwise you have no point of reference and that's just how the mind works and all. But if the past stops you from exploiting the present to its utmost potential then maybe there's a problem... time is nothing to me if it means having to say no to life. And trust for that matter is just being able to feel safe within a given object or concept. When you realize you really have nothing to lose then there's no need for safety and all that other jazz."
There's one thing that I've always known about me and was always sure that it really spat out who I was & am; which was, I cared about everything, everyone and anything. It didn't matter who, why, how or what it was, if it had anything to do with me, then I'm first in line to have anything to say about it. I thought by being able to control my life and everything in it, I'll be able to steer life the way I want it to be. But my constitutions have always failed me one way or another. You'd think with that assumption as postulate, I would have learned to change my ways. But growing up to be authoratative of my ways because of the things I have encountered in the past, I'm stuck in those ways. It's the only way I know how to live my life, the only way I know inviolability will stay on my side. Although, being dominant has always been who I am, I should probably listen to what that someone once told me (I'm not saying he's right but, it probably would be good to take change on a challenge), "...you should really just stop caring about everything..that way the onus is on happenstance and not on you and everything will be okay. Then it jots down to me being unable to trust. That's also another property of my life I can't seem to manage. But if in that someone's opinion, "trust..is just being able to feel safe within a given object or concept", then I guess I'm doing a lot of things wrong. It makes life so difficult for me to live because of my ways & it seems the best conclusion to this is, to just not care and let life happen without my constant interference & meddling.
On another note;
It was already 3:30 in the morn, that I finally bargained with myself to close my eyes, rest my mind and enter the world of dreams. Without knowing what my dream would be or if I would dream at all, I trusted my inner screams for rest. I don't know if I did dream of anything and if I did, I don't remember any particular parts of that dream. I awoke at 7:03 from the loud fast steps or quick walking of a child. How I woke up wasn't only because of a child strolling around above me, it was also because of this irritating feeling of displeased with the person I slept with & wake up to on most mornings. It made it real hard to keep my eyes shut because it boggled my mind. It's been arduous to peform any type of affection that I attain for him, because somewhere between the delivery and receiving part, it failed. For a stretch period of time, everything has been nothing & it breaks me.
When I craved to display my affection for him, he pushes me away. I've spent many sleepless nights because I miss his sweet embrace. Because, everything it used to be has passed.
Everything has changed since then, next & anon.
I was told, that he wasn't invested in this emotionally & that it was just an aggravation for him that I feel or say I love him. I never anticipated to surrender to love or to invest so much affection in this entity we have. I can't quite say this is amour, because from how things have been for a long stretch of time, it's been real hard to define what we have. Days ago, I was so convinced what I desired from this, what I desired to change and what I was bequeathing to devote. When he left for his jaunt, it allowed me squeak to appraise how willing I was to invest my time in this. Yes, I'll confess, at first it was arduous for me to bistow any type of committment, but through time, I conceived that this is an act of a significant existence and that I should give this fate, so I can be proven different and to learn what is right and wrong in relationships. But now, I'm starting to deplore considering this & spending time convincing myself to affirm this would be at odds. It's one of those, you should have listened to your insticts because this time around, it wasn't anyone else fooling with you but rather, your benevolence.
I know what I should do, but it's hard.
love,
m. |
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